Today is my birthday. I won’t wax poetic or pretend that it doesn’t matter. This isn’t how I pictured it. Ever. The most important people to me are not in my life to share it with me and it breaks my heart.
My ears popped, she broke her silence to break more hearts. We have lost cabin pressure. Only clamoring to hold on to what she has, little interest in giving, she takes. Takes what she can and asks for what she cannot. Life in a vacuum. In hindered and unhinged by the world around her. How do I say no? The only love I have to give is unconditional. Paying for someone else’s crimes is a jagged little pill. Bitter on the tongue and goes down hard. Like a punch drunk boxer, I try to stay on my feet. Reeling, bracing myself for the knockout blow that doesn’t come. Is it because she feels it too? Is it because she feels there is mercy in being losing by decision? Or are the reasons darker, scarier? Is there redemption for her, for me? The air is sucked in in gulps. Shallow gasps whistling in my chest. How do I make it to the next round? Breathe. How do I pick myself up from the mat? Breathe. How do I lift my hands, how do I defend myself? Breathe. How do I go on? Just Breathe.